Tag Archives: literary oddities

Charlemagne’s 12 Paladins

“Roland * Oliver de Vienne * Naimon of Bavaria * Archbishop Turpin * Ogier the Dane * Huon de Bordeaux * Fierabras * Renaud de Montauban * Ganelon * Guy de Bourgogne * William of Gellone * Giard de Rousillon * Aymeri de Narbonne

The Twelve Paladins (or Twelve Peers) dominated the imagination of medieval Europe for at lest 500 years. At the heart of the story is a band of twelve noble nights who assist the Emperor Charlemagne in defending Christendom form the assaults of Saracens from the south (especially Muslim Spain) and pagans from the north, Into this central epic are woven fragments of Norse and classical mythology, doomed love, chivalric duels, legendary quests, as well as real battles transformed into romantic legend. This bundle of stories is known as The Matter of France and is consciously interlinked with The Matter of Britain (the Arthurian cycle of tales) and The Matter of Rome.

There are many variant lists of the Twelve Peers but the first seven given here have to be included. Roland, an historical marcher-lord of the Carolingian Breton frontier, fated to die protecting the Christian army at the battle fought at the Roncevaux Pass, is at the center of the tale. Key tales recount how he won his horse Veillantif, his magical sword Durendal and his battle-horn Oliphant. Second in chivalric glory is Oliver, brother of Roland’s love, Aude. Naimon is the German straight guy, Charlemagne’s most dependable soldier and father of Sir Bertram. Archbishop Turpin of Reims is a historical figure who died in 800 AD fused with another warrior cleric. Ogier is both knight-errant and the once and future king of Denmark, asleep beneath Kronborg Castle wrapped up in his beard. Huon is set a series of near impossible quests by his emperor to cleanse him of the blood-guilt of killing Prince Charlot. Fierabras is the Saracen champion who converts to Christianity.

Renaud is another major figure, supported by three brothers (Alard, Guiscard, and Richard), a magical sword (Froberge) and a magical horse (Bayard). Ganelon is the Judas-like traitor within the band of twelve brothers who will be torn apart by four wild horses. Guy de Bourgogne marries the Saracen beauty Floripas (sister of Fierabras). And William of Gellone is the archetypally adventurous second son who advances himself to become the Marquis Court Nez.

But unifying all these characters is their purity and chivalry. So a Spanish soldier about to be executed on the banks of the Rio Plate in Argentina in 1536 could look his commander in the eye and declare, ‘Some days things will as God wills, and the Twelve Peers will rule,’ and know that these last words would be remembered by his comrades.”

Excerpted from: Rogerson, Barnaby. Rogerson’s Book of Numbers: The Culture of Numbers–from 1,001 Nights to the Seven Wonders of the World. New York: Picador, 2013.

Gene Fowler on Editors

“An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he’d have someone to look up to.”

Gene Fowler

Excerpted from: Winokur, Jon, ed. The Big Curmudgeon. New York: Black Dog & Leventhal, 2007.

Malcolm Bradbury on Fashion

“Never despise fashion. It’s what we have instead of God.”

Malcolm Bradbury

Excerpted from: Winokur, Jon, ed. The Portable Curmudgeon. New York: Plume, 1992.

Rotten Reviews: Gail Godwin, A Mother and Two Daughters

Godwin earnestly sticks by her characters… The only trouble is, like the people next door, they’re nice but not very interesting.”

Saturday Review 

Excerpted from: Barnard, Andre, and Bill Henderson, eds. Pushcart’s Complete Rotten Reviews and Rejections. Wainscott, NY: Pushcart Press, 1998.   

The Doubter’s Companion: Award Show

Award Show: Mechanism by which the members of a given profession attempt to give themselves the attributes of the pre-modern ruling classes—the military, aristocracy and priesthood—by assigning various orders, decorations, and medals to each other.

These shows are superficial expressions of corporatism. As with the pre-modern classes, their awards relate principally to relationships within the profession. Each time the words “I want to thank” are used by someone being decorated, they indicate a relationship based on power. The awards have little to do with the corporation’s relationship to the outside world—what you might call the public—or for that matter with quality.”

Excerpted from: Saul, John Ralston. The Doubter’s Companion. New York: The Free Press, 1994.

George Bernard Shaw on Chess

“Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time.”

George Bernard Shaw

Excerpted from: Winokur, Jon, ed. The Big Curmudgeon. New York: Black Dog & Leventhal, 2007.

Write It Right: Demise for Death

“Demise for Death. Usually said of a person of note. Demise means the lapse, as by death, of some authority, distinction, or privilege, which passes to another than the one that held it; as the demise of the Crown.”

Excerpted from: Bierce, AmbroseWrite it Right: A Little Blacklist of Literary Faults. Mineola, NY: Dover, 2010.

H.L. Mencken on Faith

“Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.”

H.L. Mencken

Excerpted from: Winokur, Jon, ed. The Big Curmudgeon. New York: Black Dog & Leventhal, 2007

Warren Zevon on Personal and Public Integrity in Our Era

“I started as an altar boy working at the church
Learning all my holy moves doing some research
Which led me to a cash box labelled ‘Children’s Fund’
I’d leave the change and tuck the bills inside my cummerbund
I got a part-time job at my father’s carpet store
Laying tactless stripping and housewives by the score
I loaded up their furniture and took it to Spokane
Auctioned off every last Naugahyde divan
I’m very well acquainted with the seven deadly sins
I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in
I’m proud to be a glutton and I don’t have time for sloth
I’m greedy and I’m angry and I don’t care who I cross
[CHORUS]
I’m, intruder in the dirt
I like to have a good time and I don’t care who gets hurt
I’m, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred and go down in history
Of course I went to law school and got a law degree
And counseled all my clients to plead insanity
Then worked in hair replacement swindling the bald
Where very few are chosen, fewer still are called
Then on to Monte Carlo play chemin de fer
I threw away the fortune I made transplanting hair
I put my last few francs down on a prostitute
Who took me up to her room to perform the flag salute
Whereupon I stole her passport and her wig
And headed for the airport and the midnight flight, you dig?
Fourteen hours later I was down in Adelaide
Looking through the want ads sipping Foster’s in the shade
I opened up an agency somewhere down the line
To hire aboriginals to work the opal mines
But I attached their wages and took a whopping cut
And whisked away their workman’s comp and pauperized the lot
[CHORUS]
I bought a first class ticket on Malaysian Air
Landed in Sri Lanka none the worse for wear
I’m thinking of retiring from all my dirty deals
See you in the next life, wake me up for meals”
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jorge A. Calderon / Warren Zevon
Mr. Bad Example lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Wixen Music Publishing

Quentin Crisp on Becoming a Writer

“There are three reasons for becoming a writer. The first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; and the third is that you can’t think what to do with the long winter evenings.”

Quentin Crisp

Excerpted from: Sherrin, Ned, ed. The Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations. New York: Oxford University Press. 1996.